The Moutandz FC crew knows what’s up (and way down) on the pitch. In other words, their dreadful rookie season hasn’t got their collective boxer-briefs all up in a bunch.

“Basically, we’re shit at soccer,” admits squad Instagrammer-in-chief David Paquette. “The season went wrong because we would show up to games unprepared and were never able to play to the best our abilities.”

In fact, this past week’s miraculous 2-0 win over Foot Clan and two previous draws are the only things separating Moutandz FC from Ground Zero in the C5C Division this winter. It probably didn’t help that the team was literally cobbled together on the last day of signup. And yet what the assorted East-Enders lack in both talent and chemistry (despite all having played soccer before) they more than make up for in humour.

Recognizable by its pilfered Fruit of the Loom logo, the Moutandz Instagram feed is chalk full of self-deprecating posts, including weekly lineups, player interviews and man of the match shout-outs with WeDidn’tLose hash tags. “It comes with the branding. We need to let our supporters know what’s up.”

With the playoffs a statistical non-starter, Paquette’s still looking on the bright side. Defender Jonathan Di Mauro has been a rock, Pietro De Luca more versatile a midfielder than advertised, Costantine Boulazeris a good transition defender and Michael Giannini a decent keeper.

“I think in the last few games we started playing more like how we should be playing. So, if we decide to stay together, I predict a better future for Moutandz. We need to work on our communication, on our movement off the ball and our passing. Maybe the summer transfer window will help us evolve from Fruit of the Looms to Calvin Klein.”

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